DRUNKEN VENUS

cardamoms:
jack: emotionally stunted but trying his best, gets his kids bunk beds with a slide, is the first to catch a kid falling on the playground, is a stern and rational voice on the pta board, somehow ends up head of his son’s boy scout troop and second in command in his daughter’s girl scout troop. one of his kids, after having something bordering on a mental health crisis, learns that hey, dad has anxiety and is super sympathetic and gives the best coping advice. keeping his kids safe is the #1 priority
bitty: makes sure every lunch packed for the kids is perfect and has all of the major food groups. when his daughter is being bullied by a boy on the playground and the teacher writes it off as just some ‘crush,’ bitty calls his lawyer (shitty) to scare the school into action. hates any sort of argument with the kids so they end up a little passive aggressive. doesnt force the kids to do anything they dont want to do except for their homework. somehow even more protective than jack. gives the shotgun talk
lardo: margarita aunt who gives every child she knows drawing supplies for their birthday, posts memes on facebook, whenever she visits, her nieces and nephews will notice flowers painted in the corners of rooms. magic godmother? takes kids out shopping for prom clothes and is the best depository for teenage angst
shitty: beer uncle. either wearing a suit or nothing at all at any time. brags about having smoked weed since he was 14 but wont give his nieces or nephews anything because he’s responsible (much to their chagrin). takes the kids on a road trip every other summer to various parts of north america so the kids and jack and bitty can get a bit of a break
ransom and holster: the awesome uncles who take the kids to theme parks whenever they visit. give them semi-decent dating advice
chowder: loves the kids and sends them surprisingly fashionable clothes for their birthdays. somehow gets roped into chaperoning their dates? teaches them how to cartwheel
bob and alicia: good grandparents. nervous about jack at first until they realized he’s surprisingly good at this parenting thing. bob teaches the kids french, which jack eventually takes over. alicia makes sure they know the values of good education
suzanne and coach: they love the grandkids. so much. suzanne starts crying every time she sees them. coach teaches them how to throw a football
#lol their kid’s first boyfriend is gonna be so fucked #just gonna walk into the house with his hands clammy as hell even though he wipes them on his thighs like eighty two times #and then retired nhl legend jack zimmermann answers the door and every check of his career flashes before this poor boy’s eyes #but jack smiles softly and says ‘kid’s almost ready. you can have a seat on the couch if you want.’#and then BITTY #comes out with snacks and drinks and this kid is like ‘awesome!!!! my date’s dads are so chill’#but then bitty sits with his hands in his laps and looks very seriously at this young man #‘now understand i have nothing against you personally #but i have so many knives. i have knives and i have a lawyer on retainer #i grew up in georgia and i knew how to load buckshot before i knew how to write my name #i’m sure you’re a nice boy but if you hurt my child i will END you’#‘uh….’ -poor small boy #‘oh! can i get you more lemonade?’ - erb immediately after (via @sadquebecois)